The 5 Worst Dates I've Ever Been On


Up until about two years ago I was convinced I'd never been on a date. I'd been out with boys and partook in activities such as eating or going to the cinema and that, as it turns out, is what a date is. 

Personally I had the idea that a date was where someone says 'let's go on a date' and then picks you up and gives you flowers and tells you that you look pretty. I didn't realise that a text from a fuckboy that says 'wanna do something' and who is then half an hour late to meet you constitutes as a date. But apparently it does. 

You can probably tell I've been on my fair share of shocking dates, and what's more fun than reliving the horror so the entire internet can laugh at my misfortune? I'll tell you what, absolutely nothing! 

Narrowing it down to the worst five was a challenge but I just about managed it, and I think the fact I decided to illustrate this post with a photo I took in the Louvre of Luini's 'Salome with the Head of Saint John the Baptist' perfectly sums up what's about to come. 

#1
I met a guy on a night out and he invited me to a party with him the next day. He added me on facebook and from a status he was tagged in I realised that it was a family party. I messaged him asking about it and he said 'I didn't think you'd come if you knew you'd have to meet my family'. If that wasn't weird enough, for some reason, I agreed to meet him later on for a few drinks only for him to bring his brother and cousin with him. 

#2
I went on a date where about 90% of the conversation was about his ex's. He kept telling me about how they were all psycho bitches and how they were all still obsessed with him. He then proceeded to whip out his phone and show me pictures of them. 

#3
While living in Italy I went on a sort of 'blind date' with someone who was on my friends university course. She was convinced I'd like him so I agreed. Actually to be fair the date was pretty good and he was quite nice. He drove me home, parked outside of my house and assumed he was coming in. I'm like.... no? He asked why not, he said he bought me dinner and wine and that means I should have sex with him. So then we argued about it and I told him to fuck off. He told my friend our date went 'really well'. 

#4
I dragged my arse two hours out of my way to meet him and he turned up three hours late. No apology. 

#5
Not technically a date, but the most mortifying moment of my life. In theory this was really sweet of him and I feel bad for including it but, oh god.  I went to a bar with two of my friends and we met up with some people they knew. Towards the end of the night one of the guys I'd just met said he'd like to play guitar for me, assuming it was like a passing comment or something I said yeah sure that would be nice. Nope. He came back with a guitar that he keeps in his car (?!) and proceeded to serenade me for a solid 20 minutes in front of everyone, he really couldn't sing and he couldn't really play guitar very well either. 

Honestly, it's more than likely I'll have made it onto someones 'worst dates I've ever been on' list myself -- I'm the first to admit I'm an embarrassment to woman kind when it comes to boys. But seriously, if any of the men who made it onto my list is reading this, I'm sorry (except I'm not). And to men in general: step up your fucking date game. All I want is for someone to bring me flowers when they ask me out, is that too much to ask!?


In the interest of research, and because I love other peoples bad date stories, I asked my pals and strangers on twitter: 

What's the worst date you've ever been on?


'My first ever date was horrific. He took me to Asda of all places, then we sat in a park in Essex and got off on a bench. Romance is 100% dead.'
 - Maria


'He took me to McDonalds and then we had sex in his car.'
- Katie


'So I'd just broke up with my ex and my mates kept telling me to get back out there straight away. Anyway I met this lass on Facebook and she wanted to meet me. She was adamant that we go see 12 years a slave even though it hadn't been in the cinema about two months at this point, and I told her so. Anyway it wasn't on. She was 40 minutes late in meeting me. Went for a drink in a bar that smelled like wet dog and piss and it was full of EDL supporters and we barely spoke.'
- Adam


'The date I went on with you.'
- Dan
(disclaimer: we've never been on a date.)


'She asked me if she could bring her friend with her and I thought she meant a double date so I said yeah. She turned up with a lad and half way through the date I found out he was her ex as well. I paid for all three of us.'
- Callum


'A guy not talking during the date but wanting a kiss. He was a dwarf and told me he was gonna shag girls. He had a car but made me walk home.'
- Kat


'Date got shouted at, racially abused then punched by a drunk 60 year old Irish man.'
- Luke


'Went on a date in London to the national portrait gallery - he was a super art geek and didn't appreciate my sarcastic comments about the ugly babies and tiny genitals...carried on to Kensington gardens where there is a statue of Peter Pan. Being a really big Disney fan I got excited and he proceeded to call me childish...fair to say I ended the date there saying we were very different people.'
- Poppie


' I met a lass on Tinder, she was okay looking but I can't remember swiping right must have been when I was drunk, anyway couple of days after she came round mine and after I finished shagging her the condom was covered in blood. Like she'd came on her period while I was shagging her which I'm not that bothered about it's more the fact she took the condom off me and started sucking on it then tried to kiss me with her bloody cummy mouth.'
- Luke


'Once I was on a rebound date and this girl comes that I half know comes up to me and goes "where's -insert ex's name- tonight??" What a cunt'
- Robyn


'It was a second date and I liked him quite a bit, the first date was really good he was really good looking and we'd been out for food and he kissed me and drove me home. The second date he picked me up, I didn't know what we'd be doing but I assumed it would be drinks or something?? He pulls into this car park, turns the engine off and asks me if I wanna get in the back and fuck him.'
- Sammy


If you have any bad date stories please comment/email me/tweet me because I honestly LOVE them.




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