University Life Lessons You Didn't Know You Needed


I'll say it - my uni friends are fucking idiots. Every single last one of them is a grade A moron, and honestly, I mean that in the nicest way possible. Yes they are degree educated and wise and the great minds of the world who in the future will likely be cleaning up the shit show of a mess Brexit is going to gift us with, but they're still idiots. But they're my idiots and despite not having a single ounce of common sense between them they've shaped me into the person I am today. Which is likely the reason that I'm such a hot mess.


Despite possessing absolutely zero sound judgement in the more practical matters of life, I did manage to get into university and because of that I am now an unrivaled fountain of knowledge on whatever the opposite of being an outstanding member of society is. Basically what I'm saying is that what I lack in life skills I more than make up for by being a horrible influence on people and then pretending I had absolutely nothing to do with it.

That being said, I'm here to present you with a selection of life lessons that you didn't even know you needed (and that you probably really don't want) to guide and nurture you into becoming a little bit more stupid but a shit ton more fun than you are right now. And that is exactly what uni is all about, so it's pretty much like you're getting a degree right now without having to study for three years or get yourself £40,000 in debt. You're welcome.

#1 VODBUCA  
Look right, I know you're not supposed to mix drinks. I KNOW. But if you think about it in the end it's all going to get mixed up in your stomach anyway so it's basically the same thing. A little trick I learned very quickly is using more alcohol as a mixer for your alcohol is the quickest way to get drunk which, if you're like me, is ideal when you've took three hours to get ready and the taxi will be here in ten minutes. Shots of Vodbuca, aka a mixture of vodka and sambuca, will keep you toasty as you queue outside a shit club in the worlds shortest dress while Vodine, aka vodka and wine, will give you the worst hangover of your life which will be the perfect excuse to cancel the plans you made with a fuckboy after one too many jagerbombs.

#2 VOMIT ON THINGS TO MARK YOUR TERRITORY 
Vomit, chunder, whitey, whatever you call it just do it. I promise you that it's absolutely foolproof. All of the people I've ever vomited on are still my pals and that can't be a coincidence. On the first night of first year we all drank 80% absinthe and I whiteyed all over the living room carpet. My brand new flatmate Beth cleaned it up (with bleach, tip: don't put bleach on carpets) and we're still friends five years later. Vomit on your friends, your bedding, down the side of chinese takeaway, on the creepy guy at the bar who won't stop grabbing your arse, just vomit on everything. Any life problem can be solved by vomiting on it.

#3 PUSH YOURSELF, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF
There'll come a point in your life where you think enough is enough and you want to give up. Don't. You CAN beat the beer bong and you CAN force another slice of pizza down your throat. Nothing is impossible, however far you think you can go you can always be pushed just a little bit further. This serves another important life lesson in that it teaches you to learn your limits when you wake up the following day with liver ache and pepperoni in your bra.

#4 BLAG EVERYTHING
My man George Orwell was a genius. Really, truly. So I'm sorry for what I'm about to say, so so sorry. Orwell had '5 rules for effective writing' which are basically like a handy little guide for people who write stuff to ensure that it's not shit. It's stuff like 'if it's possible to cut out a word, always cut it out.' It's obvious George Orwell never tried to hit a word count with a killer hangover the day before an essay was due. What I'm saying is fuck the rules, say the same thing three times worded differently if you really have to and resolve to do better next time. Just chat shit. Blag your way through an essay and if you act like you know what you're talking about, chances are people will believe that you do.

#5 HARNESS IMPORTANT LIFE SKILLS
There will come a time in your life, likely when you're stuck in the middle of a desert, when you will need to Harvard reference. One day there'll come a time where to save the lives of the people you love you will have to know the rules of an overly complicated drinking game. In a post apocalyptic world you may have to know how to survive on pasta every single day for 7 months. All of these are very important skills, embrace them and master them.


OTHER IMPORTANT SKILLS I LEARNT AT UNI:

  • Not killing my flatmates
  • Napping
  • How to play fridge tetris with one fridge and six peoples food
  • How to stack dirty plates in the sink
  • Napping
  • Appreciating working central heating
  • How to do nothing but still feel productive



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